"What fit return Lord can I make, for all His gifts on me bestowed?"

So, today I was kind of having a bad day, I was very impatient and frustrated, and I felt crappy because I thought that I was finally getting over that.
God spent a lot of time with me, and He helped me work through my frustration problems a few weeks ago, and I hadn't had a majorly bad day since then.
Until today.

Looking back, I had the stupidest reasons to be upset, it was basically over stuff I have experience doing every single day, and so? I wasn't having problems with it earlier, so why now?
I guess I could chalk it up to the fact that I hadn't actually spent time with my Lord at all really these past few nights. Probably the last time I had a good heart to heart with Him was last week sometime.
I'm weak in my faith, and I have no one to blame for that but myself.
Earlier (in the past month or so), I blamed my bad days on God. I always felt like it was God's fault, that I was being persecuted or something.

Oh my.
Was I ever wrong. My bad days are a result of my failings, my shortcomings. God isn't at fault.
I read a Charles Spurgeon quote the other day that helped me have a much better perspective on this:
"As for His failing you, never dream of it- hate the thought of it. The God who has been sufficent until now, should be trusted to the end."
(emphasis added)

If anything, He's trying to lovingly teach me.
I have been taught through my bad days. I have learned more and more about Him, through it all, and I think that I may even love Him more for them.

Here's a verse from Romans chapter 8 that I think works well in this context.
" Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."
-Romans 8:26-28

You know, it's amazing.
The Lord, the Creator, Lord God, Yahweh, Jehovah Jireh (The Lord Who Provides), Most High, Prince of Peace, Emmanuel, Alpha and Omega, the unchangeable, sinless Lord, is my Savior. He is my Savior. He is the Lover of my soul, my Redeemer, my Protector, my Father.
The Spirit intercedes for me. Why?
I have done nothing to deserve it and nothing I could ever do would deserve it.
But for some reason He still does.
He helps me. He "intercedes with groanings too deep for words."

I looked up groaning just to get an official translation on the word.
It means:
"a prolonged stressed dull cry expressive of agony, pain, or disapproval",
and is a synonym of moan, which is:
"A low, sustained, mournful cry, usually indicative of sorrow or pain."

So, yes. According to these verses, the Spirit is in pain, agony, and sorrowful because of me.
He is in pain because of me.
And what have I done in return it?
What did I do that would make Him go through so much pain on my behalf?
Nothing. Nothing but cause Him more pain, more sorrow, more agony.
Even on my best days, I'm still not anywhere near valuble enough to cause Him pain.
Why then?
Why?
Because He loves me.

I really need to take this to heart. I need to learn from this. I need to be more humble.

To finish off, I'm just going to take some verses about humility and close with prayer.

I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.
(Ephesians 4:1-3)

Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.
(Colossians 3:12)

So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.
(Philippeans 2: 1-3)

Lord, help me.
Help me to realize all that You do for me.
I know that I'll never deserve it and I know that there is absolutely nothing in me that could ever make You love me enough to go through the sorrow that You go through every single time I sin.
I wonder why You keep trying. I realize that You love me, and I am not sure why.
There is nothing beautiful, pure, honorable, trust-worthy, or lovely about me, other than what You have put in me.
Thank you for staying with me, for teaching me, and for loving me.
Please help me learn to be humble, meek and to have more love for You and for my fellow neighbors.
Help me to be thankful for my bad times, and to be faithful to You through them.
When it comes down to it, loving and living for You isn't that tough when life is a piece of cake. When life is hard, and I don't know what else to do, that is when what I do matters. When I can praise You and stick with You through trials, then that is when I'll know that my faith counts for something, that my faith is true, that it is strong.
I love You, Father.
Oh Lord, I pray that You would never let me forget it.
Amen.

I am His: On dealing with temptation and frustration

Sometimes I just get so frustrated. I really can't control it, and when I try to start my day out right with prayer and devotions, then it always seems to go a lot worse than if I hadn't.
So, I assume that it's all a test, a trial that I have to pass to show how strong my faith in Him really is (which if you haven't guessed it yet, is not too strong... yet), and since I have started the day out right (I hope), then this is the next step.
So, I keep trying and trying to pass this test, because seriously, my family/home life is what frustrates me the most out of anything, and it shouldn't be like that.
I love them all to death, but at the same time, they can get on my nerves so bad.
I once asked my Mom about what I can do to help me gain more patience ("like the virtue kind... not the...humans" -rofl) and she told me that probably the reason I was born into such a huge family (11 kids; 14 people in all including my Grandma, just in case ya didn't know) was to help me gain that, by testing me every single day.

So yes, I was reading C.H. Spurgeon the other day, and this quote jumped out at me.

:::

When you are tempted to sin, reply 'I cannot do this great wickedness, for I am Christ's!'
Let this be your argument for holiness. "I am Christ's".

I think that the reason that that stood out so well, is because that is exactly what I have needed. I am always tempted to frustration, and I am not setting the example that I should be. I am Christ's. I was bought for a price (1 Cor. 6:20 ). I am HIS. He cares for me and doesn't want me to feel like this, and He also doesn't want me to be acting like this, like I am not even one of His flock.
He bought me, and, like my pastor was saying in the sermon last Sunday, the relationship between Christ and I, is one comparitive to the relationship that a slave and his master share. The slave has been redeemed by his master, and set free. The slave is not one that is always in chains because of his master's cruelty, but rather, the slave and his master share the type of friendship that the slave is ready to follow him to the ends of the earth.

I am His. He is mine. Everything that the Son has is also mine through redemption. (Another thing that I could quote Spurgeon on.. :P)

I do not need to be like this. I need to ask Him to help me get on the right track again, and build my faith in Him. I am like the seed on the rocky ground right now. I believe in Him, I trust Him, but whenever my faith comes into a rocky patch, I fold, and I have to start over again. So I start... and I fail. And I do it over again. And I fail over again.

Let this be my prayer. Help me to follow Him even when I can't seem to go any farther. Help my faith to be that of the seed on the good earth, not the stony ground.
(woah, I just thought about that whole concept of the sower and the seeds... powerful stuff! I think I'll go throught that for devotions and maybe write something else on that..)

Anyways, here's some more Spurgeon -haha

::::

"Let me dread a godliness as rapid in growth and as lacking in endurance as Jonah's gourd. Let me count the cost if being a follower of Jesus.
Above all, let me feel the energy of the Holy Spirit,and then I will posess an abiding and enduring seed in my soul.
If my mind remains as stubborn as it was by nature, the sun of trial will scorch and my hard heart will help to cast the heat the more terribly on the uncovered seed. My faith will soon die, and my despair will be terrible;
therefore, Oh Heavenly Father, plough me first, and then cast the truth into me. Let me yield a bounteous harvest for You."

And here's some Scripture that I thought would fit in pretty well with all of this:

::::

Vs 5.For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ, we share abundantly in comfort too.
Vs. 6 If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer.
2 Corinthians 1: 5-6

Well, I hope that this flows together well. It makes sense to me, so that's what matters, I guess.

Love all of you guys!
<3>

Dreams

I've had 3 dreams in my life that have really stood out.

1. When I was about 4, I watched Jurassic Park for the first time. I was so freaked out about it. I kept seeing t-rexes, and velociraptors, marching down my wall, turning and coming to get me. Then I'd look over and there was this old man, standing there with a garden hose... and my bedroom was flooding. So then, I started screaming, and my sister, Mom and Dad came running into my room and turned the light on, and everything was completely gone. So I calmed down, and then they left and turned the light off... and everything was back. I think I slept with the light on that night. Not too scary now, but it was when I was four!!!

2. The second scariest I've had was definitely my wedding.
And no, that's not just a stereotypical wedding with flowers and bridesmaids and the happiest day of my life, blah, blah, blah.
This wedding was like something straight out of a horror movie. It was really dark and stormy, really foggy, full moon out, just like a creepy night scene in the Village or something.
I was at my church(and my church is an old building- from the 1800's, and it's out in the country with a cow pasture across the road), and I'm standing there -I might have been crying, I don't really remember, so I decided to get changed into my wedding dress... in the church bathroom(which is really tinyyy, btw).
I get dressed in like 2 minutes flat, no make-up or anything. So I come out of the bathroom, and either my Mom or pastor's wife was standing there, telling me I looked gorgeous, but I was so upset and out of it, so I really didn't listen or even see them. I decide to put a brave face on, and go into the sanctuary.
I go in, and sit in one of the pews, and I see another bride, sitting next to me (must have been a double wedding). I look at her face because she seemed to be really upset too, and it was veiled.
And yes, as you might have guessed, it wasn't the traditional veil, it was like she was in a shroud or something, and her face was wrapped a couple times over- it was sheer so you could still see the shape of her face/hair color.
Our grooms were no where in sight, but I walked slowly towards the front of the sanctuary, and I saw a bright (though very foggy) light.
The pastor was standing there, and then, I was married.
After, I went outside (I had a sinking feeling in my stomach, I was so upset, and just wanted to die), and there were some black SUVs out in the church parking lot. Then it ended. XD
I still wonder if I'll ever want to get married just because of that dream. Especially since I've always wanted to get married at my church.

3. This one's happy... I promise!

I was at my local college, and one of my sisters was giving a speech of some sort.
She happened to lose her written copy, and so a few of us went and were looking all around for it. While I was looking, I thought I saw someone I knew. I hesitated, and decided to turn around to say hi.
So, I walk in the door, and there's this guy standing there. He was insanely tall (like over 6'4"), and he was really nerdy looking (in other words, my dream dude... ). I'm standing there all embarassed, and he starts talking to me.
I talked to him like I'd known him for years, and it was the easiest conversation that I had ever had with anyone. We just talked about everything, and joked around- it was great.
So after what seemed like a few minutes (it was actually more like 1/2 an hour) , I looked over to what he was working at on the computer, and I saw that they were our church bulletins.
And then, to make matters even weirder, my pastor came in the door and he's like "Oh, hi Lydia".
So yeah, I said bye really quickly because I remembered my sisters out there, and I left, my sister found her speech, and we had a great time.
Then, I think that there was something else in the dream after we left the college... like, my town got exploded by UFO's, and we happened to be able to make a break for it in some beat up blue 15 passenger van. XD
But yeah, the Sunday afterwards, I was sitting in my church and there was this new lady sitting near us, so I introduced myself, and we were talking, and she brought up that she had a son that was there too. Then I look up, and coming into the sanctuary, was the guy from the college, and he sat right down next to us... and I must have looked shocked or something.... and then the dream ended.

So maybe, I will actually meet my future husband. Who knows?

Most of my dreams are really basic though... like I ran out of coffee, or that my hairbrush broke. And then, in the morning, I'll wonder why we still have coffee. hahaha...

I guess the Emily Bronte quote works well in this entry:

"I have dreamed in my life, dreams that have stayed with me ever after, and changed my ideas; they have gone through and through me, like wine through water, and altered the color of my mind."

:)

-Lydia

About Me...

So, I feel artsy tonight (by the way, isn't artsy the coolest word ever?), so I figured that I would start writing in this blog.
About me... well, where to start?

Before I jump in,(and try to make myself sound WAY smarter than I really am), I want to get one thing straight. I'm a complete nutcase. I can go around while setting the table, acting like I'm getting stabbed with the handful of forks. And believe me, I do the sound effects and everything. ;)
My sister calls me bizarre practically every day.
My own Mom has said she feels sorry for my (possible future) kids, because even if they're half as crazy as I am, then, well, there's practically no chance for them to have a normal childhood. Therefore, I'll have to marry some stick in the mud, because otherwise, I'd probably go off my rocker by the time I am 40. I've already diagnosed myself with permanant brain damage.

I honestly can't figure myself out. All my interests and quirky little things about me are polar opposites.
It's hard trying to balance myself out. It's almost like I'm two people, and I just keep getting closer and closer to just exploding.
Actually, there are days where I seem to be a lot crazier than usual, today being one of them. Like, random things would pop into my head, like "I shall diminish, and go into the closet, and remain Lydia" (when I was looking for outfits for the little girls). Maybe that's me "exploding"? Who knows? XD

(Now on the the part of me that is somewhat intelligent)
I love reading classic books, books that win Nobels, books that are about Norweigian girls falling in love with Italian artists, and then they tragically die. ( please take into mind that this is amazing literature! ;) )
Then I also feel like reading the latest "girly" book, the one about the city girl (who happens to be in the fashion biz), that falls in love with her next door neighbor, who happens to be a detective.

I love clothes and glitzy glam things like that, but I also hate them because of the commericalism/ advertising/ shallowness of it all. After all, who needs leopard spotted Guchi purses anyways?

I want to be a hobo. Travel the world, take my banjo (I'd have to learn to play it first though =)) , see everywhere, leave behind all the things in the world that annoy me, and just be free. I think that would be the most amazing adventure ever, but I know I couldn't leave behind my family/ friends, iPod, and I probably wouldn't even be able to leave stinking facebook. It's just a silly dream I have.. I'll just travel the world the touristy way... someday.

I love things that make me think- like that quote in Winter's Tale. It had something to do with turning off the tv, and going outside, reading a book, just doing things that do make you think, instead of frying brain cells. Of course it was worded differently.

I try to think intelligently, I see the logical side in everything, I can keep a clear mind in emergency situations, but at the same time, I'm the ditziest blonde you'll ever meet.

Oh yeah, I'm very sarcastic. I can completely trick my sister into believing everything I say, even when I think that my sarcasm is perfectly obvious. haha...

Really, the only thing that isn't completely whack about me, is my music. It's all pretty much the same style- rock, alternative, indie, oldies/hippie music, etc.
<3 music!!! :)

I love research, especially when I'm trying to study something Biblical. I like cross referencing things, coming up with my opinion and writing it all down. I also like just taking one topic and letting it "simmer", praying about it, and trying to make sure I have gotten it right.
It seems to help me out, and it helps me believe in God and have more faith in Him.

I am an average Christian girl, who believes she was chosen before time began to serve and love Him, and who is trying to learn more about her Lord and Savior, and is seeking to love Him more, and honor Him in all that I do.

I hope that this is pretty true to who I am. I'd hate to sound hypocritical, or anything. I don't like giving people the wrong idea of me.

Just know that I am extremely crazy, somewhat lazy (hey, it rhymes!!), love researching things and coming up with original ideas, artsy when I want to be, love music/books, wish I wasn't addicted to the computer (>.<) , and VERY sarcastic. I can't really see it showing through on this post, but believe me, it will be on the following posts.

I'd love to get some review type things up in here, maybe books/music/tv shows (to which I am somewhat addicted... heh), those types of things.

Well, I hope I can get people to read this thing!

Peace, Love and Truth.

James 3:13.

-Lydia :)